The Misery Behind The Mask

This month, in recognition of World Mental Health Day , I’ll be sharing snippets from my soon-to-be self-published book, All My Heroes Are Weirdos.

It’s a story about a lot of things; about love and life and dreams, but more than anything, it’s a story about how I lost my mind, and how I found it again – hidden where it had always been. A mind that went from one of great strength and assertion to one of complete and utter weakness; a deluded, tortured mind.

It’s about a journey I went on, a trillion serendipitous moments that on their own look like a series of tiny coincidences, yet, as the story unfolds, every star emanates in the form of a character, a glance, a smile, a word uttered, a move made, a feeling felt and all play a role in this clever little script that is life.

I’d rush into the toilets to find the nearest empty cubicle and sob my heart out as quietly as I could, my whole body aching with the wretchedness of what my life was turning out to be.

Tears would surge up from my toes, gathering momentum as they raced towards my eyes. Feelings of pain, fear, disappointment and rejection gushed down my dolorous face and there was nothing I could do to stop them.  I’d never felt anything like it before, my heart was in agony.

I couldn’t work out why it was happening or where the love had gone. All I kept thinking was how many sacrifices I’d made and how much time I’d wasted – all of this for somebody who now appeared to hate me.

When the clock turned a quarter to nine, I’d take a deep breath, dab the misery from my face and march into that office pretending everything was okay.