all my heroes are weirdos

We're All Mad Here

Brow Gate

Self-deprecation.

With my love for language, I always distinctly remember where and how I’ve learned specific words. You know where I learnt that one? An episode of MTV Cribs circa 2003, featuring my one and only ever celebrity crush, Justin Timberlake. In the same episode he also taught me the word chastising, which makes him an educational GOD.

Anyway, point being, it’s a good job that self-deprecation is one of my favourite types of humour….

Browless Bae

You know your brows aren’t on fleek when your Tier One Colleagues feel they have to intervene and your group chat title’s been changed to BROW GATE.

The benefits to being a blonde include not having to wax a muzzy off and going grey with less maintenance. Having eyebrows, however, does not seem to be on the list.

I’ve recently come back from two weeks sunning myself in Croatia which has only made matters worse.

I came in to so many puzzled faces, in fact one of them didn’t even recognise me at first….Is it your dark skin? no. Is it your face freckles? no. Is it your snow white hair? no. Ahhhh. You’ve got no fucking eyebrows.

This day-long discussion resulted in a bombardment of Google results for umpa lumpas getting shown around the office and all over the group chat. And all I can say is it’s a good job I’m leaving soon or HR might be getting a call.

Brow Gate #1

This is actually the second Brow Gate intervention.

The first dates back a few months when I thought I was really mastering time management by making a pit stop at Benefit Brow Bar on my lunch break. I sat down and the girl shone a light on my face in search for the thirteen tiny blonde hairs I’ve got resting somewhere above each eye.

She waxed away two strays and applied the medium brown tint. I sat there in the middle of Boots with what looked like two acrylic paint slugs on my fod waiting for the dye to take, praying an ex or somebody I haven’t seen for a long time wouldn’t walk past.

About five minutes later, she wiped away the slugs and realised the dye hasn’t taken. I explained the lack of eyebrows was likely to hinder the tint challenge at hand and so she suggested she tries again, this time with a darker dye.

A logical thought did flit through my skull thinking no, not darker, just try again with the same tint for longer. But for whatever reason, I didn’t say a word. I just let her smother the area where eyebrows normally go in jet black dye and leave it there for almost fifteen minutes, while I sat thinking I’m going to look like an idiot after this.

I hate it when a beautician has finished playing with you and pushes a handheld mirror all up in your grill. Are they okay for you?.……..

OK, so apart from a fancy dress costume I wore for a game of Come Dine With Me in London in 2012, I have never looked in the mirror and thought

AMERICAN PIE

Again, I don’t know why I didn’t speak up and say “No. They’re not okay. I have two giant blobs of dappled brown and black dye on my face and a first date tonight so SORT IT OUT”.

Instead, I said my usual polite and robotic reply, “yes, they’re perfect thank you” and actually paid her fifteen British pounds for temporarily destroying my face.

It was a sunny day so I had sunglasses to at least partially hide these dark mottled monstrosities. My fifteen minute walk back to work was fueled by hysterical laughter – the kind that’s not acceptable when you’re on your own and not even pretending to be on the phone. I think tears actually fell down my cheeks.

When I got inside the office I Stevie Wondered up two flights of stairs and across to my desk but the cackles wouldn’t cease. I had to spend the next twenty minutes sat in a toilet cubicle, laughing like a hyena every time I took an occasional glance at Noah Levenstein in the mirror.

Finally, I managed to compose myself, took off my sunglasses and headed back for the onslaught of abuse.

Brow Gate #2

Back to Brow Gate number two and according to these lovely people who apparently have my best interests at heart, I can’t possibly go out in public looking like this.

I need eyebrows to shape my face or it’s just a big round orange blob with white hair. (direct quote)

So given that I’m out for a few drinks in a WAGtastic area tonight and will be surrounded by perfectly sculpted, HD Scouse Brows, I better sort it out. I’m heading to Benefit Brow Bar on my lunch break and praying for an eyebrow miracle.

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