The Poach Coach

Sunday mornings will never be the same again.

Image result for perfect poached egg

I’d never been a fan of eggs. In fact, when I was little I used to tell my friends’ parents I was allergic to them just to avoid one ending up on my dinner plate. Little did I know back then that this lie was completely flawed since I’d happily shove biscuits, bread, pasta and all sorts of other foods containing chicken embryo down my mouth.

Since then, I’ve become a little more adventurous in my eating habits and over time I’ve dabbled in the odd scrambled egg, omelette and even attempted my own frittata (which definitely sounds a lot more posh than it is). And 7I don’t know whether I’m embarrassed to say this or not, but it wasn’t until I hit 30 that I tried my first poached egg. The concept of a chicken foetus in more or less its natural state seemed a little bit too cannibalistic for me.

Does anybody know if Poached Eggs Anonymous exists?

I think I need to join. Since my first Poached Egg I’ve never looked back. I think I’m addicted, just like that time in 2001 I got addicted to Cocopops. For pretty much everyday for the past five months, and this is no Egg-xageration (soz), I’ve had a Poached Egg on toast, plopped neatly onto a nice piece of multi-grain toast and served with a hot milky coffee.

I first tried my hand at Poaching using a trick I’d learned on Saturday Kitchen. You crack the egg into a sheet of cling film and seal it into a ball shape then plop it into boiling water. Two minutes later you’re supposed to retrieve from the water a perfectly formed, firm but gooey-centred Poached Egg.
Well at least I got it wrong… What I retrieved from the water looked more like a pair of dangling sheep’s bollocks than a Poached Egg.

Now I’m not Nigella Lawson (although I do think anybody can pull slutty faces and suck their fingers whilst following a basic recipe), but I do think after several weeks of practice, I’ve now mastered the art of Poaching to Perfection.

What You Need:

• A small pan
• 500ml of water
• An egg
• A chef’s hat
• A slice of multi-grain toast
• A few sprinkles of pepper
• A Nigella pout

What You Do:

1. Boil water, wait for sexy ferocious bubbles ooooohhhh
2. Crack egg on side of pan. Drop into water gently. Splosh ahhhhhhhhh
3. Lower heat to a pool of mini bubbles and watch the clock tick for two whole minutes yeahhhhhhh
4. Take one big spoon thing with holes in and go fishing for you egg, gently. Ohhhhhh
5. Neatly place Poached Egg onto warm, freshly buttered multigrain toast and scran the hell out of it whilst making as many sex noises as you feel necessary.


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