“My Fiancés sperm has fertilised one of my eggs so please throw me a booze-free party with loads of weird games and buy me truckloads of expensive baby shit”
I am the Antichrist of anything remotely maternal, I can’t even watch the adverts for ‘One Born Every Minute’ without having nightmares and I introduce myself to toddlers with a handshake and a “nice to meet you”. Seriously, why on earth would anybody chose me to arrange their Baby Shower?
I know I should feel honoured, it really is magical and I really am so over the moon for her. I just really don’t understand why you have to go to the trouble of throwing a party for somebody to say Congratulations on having all the Sex and for the tiny little human growing inside of you. I have lots of sex, I just don’t want to ruin the world by pro-creating just yet, so does that mean I deserve a party too?
Luckily my co-host is equally anti-mushy-baby-behaviour so we’re looking to make it a fun for everyone. Of course we’ll whip out the Baby Shower classics like “Dirty Diapers”, I mean everybody’s idea of a good time is sniffing melted chocolate bars in nappies and guessing what it is.
But to add a twist to the day, there will be alcohol served, and lots of it, and we shall drink on behalf of all those who cannot. We’ll spin everyone around with blindfolds on with no care for health and saftey, and play a little game of Pin the Umbilical Cord on the Foetus. To mix it up a little more we can play “Who’s the Daddy?” and line up photographs of various ex-boyfriends, colleagues, male friends and the milkman for people to guess who the baby belongs to. Oh and no party would be complete without party bags for all the guests full to the brim with condoms and sex education leaflets to make sure there are no more Baby Showers on the horizon for a long time….
And finally, as the guests depart, we’ll sing them off the premises with a little bit of this…